My goal this year is to cut the trend in girlfriends. In other words: no more relationships where I find myself valuing the relationship more than the other person. If this means no girlfriend this year, then so be it. I have rarely been without a girlfriend, or at least “the company of women”. This tendency has led to far too much heartache in my life. It is my understanding that normal people spend their time “doing things” . . . that is, “doing things” other than expending their energy on a lover or significant other. Maybe it’s worth trying this lifestyle? Maybe, at least for a little while, I could be one of those people that say “I don’t have time for a relationship”?
So, the year has begun. So far, I’m doing fine with this. This means journaling a bit, as I want to keep track of how this is going. I want to spot when I start weakening, and I want to remind myself of why I am doing this.
Leah announced her plans to leave on December 8th and she moved out on December 15th. She arranged the move quickly, made no effort to discuss or work anything out. In fact, some aspects of her move seem almost like someone that had to leave at the last minute (she left a pot of coffee in the coffee maker – she is the only one in the house that drank coffee). In particular, she made sure that under no circumstance would I know why she made this decision. She kept changing her reasons, and the reasons she gave tended to be nonsensical and/or dishonest. Since I don’t actually know, let’s just come to the simplest most straight-forward reason: she found someone else. In fact, there was a huge New Year’s party, she wanted to go this year, so she needed to arrange things in a hurry. This party was held the previous New Year, but I didn’t feel like going, so we spent New Year’s Eve line dancing. Done. This reason seems as good as any. If it isn’t true . . . does it really matter? Let’s just say this is the reason, and move on from there.
Leah centers on groups where men are so desperate that she doesn’t need to do anything and she can be center of attention. I’ve actually, at certain group events, watched men stand in line for an opportunity to flirt with her. She relishes having this sort of attention without needing to actually do anything. She sits and talks about her cat and the men come away thinking she’s so sweet and charming. I can say, as someone that has lived with her version of “sparkling conversation” for a year-and-a-half: it gets old quickly.
With her departure, I thought about being alone for the holidays. This was my first hurdle. I can report that I made it through.
The biggest support base was my kids. When they first learned that Leah was leaving, they were almost celebrating. I knew that Leah did not get along with my older son. He’s not the easiest person to get along with, but she never said a word to him or about him unless she was complaining. I’m not at all exaggerating! In 2010, she saw him perform in four plays, and never once said “good job” to him. I was expecting him to be happy that Leah was leaving. I was not expecting my younger son to be happy, as well! After all, in November she and he shared the stage for a performance of “Hairspray”: surely they got along? It turned out that they didn’t. With that, I knew that Leah HAD TO leave. I can’t say if I could have convinced her to stay (if the suspicion I wrote above was correct, I would not have been able to), but I knew I couldn’t seriously try. And now that she’s gone, I can’t let her come back.
I was not expecting my own feelings when she had left. I actually felt a huge sigh of relief that she was gone! In the past few weeks, I have not missed her company, and I find myself reminded of how many nights we sat quietly and didn’t interact. I didn’t miss the quirky-whacky-Leah remarks, like whether cats had “noses” or “snouts”. I certainly didn’t miss the complaining! The other day, I went to a play with my boys. We all had a great time! I know, however, that if Leah was still with me . . . it would have been her and me at the play, and the boys would have likely spent that time with their mother.
I found myself missing not “the person”, but “the things she did”. It’s important to remember that she didn’t do nearly as much as she claimed. I went food shopping with my boys: this was something she used to do alone. The three of us are figuring out and preparing meals, instead of her figuring this out for me. I certainly wished “someone” was there to help me when it snowed and I was shoveling alone. I find that I don’t miss the warm body sharing the bed with me (and it should be noted that our sex life was mediocre-to-dreadful at best). Between a stomach bug and pulling something in my back when shoveling, my health was not in the best shape: I did miss “someone” being there to take care of me. And that was about it.
I think I have some good footing right this moment. We still have some untangling remaining (I need to transfer the electric bill to my name, and Leah needs to remove her name from our joint checking account), but I’m not fighting off any urges to contact her and find out how she is. I didn’t feel an urge to wish her Happy New Years. I’ve had the opportunity to look at our relationship in an unexpected way. I look at the constant pressure she applied in order to convince me to date her: she knew that I was always trying to be nice and not hurt people’s feelings, so she would use that to corner me and force me to agree. I thought about how many times we had arguments that were squarely her fault. How often did she say she understood, and how often did she promise she would do something to fix things? And I realized I couldn’t think of a single solitary time she actually did anything! I realized that her approach was to say whatever needed to be said in order to calm me, and forget about it. I wondered: why was I so reluctant to apply the word “abuse” to her behavior? Maybe we did, in fact, have an abusive relationship?
My instincts say to find another girlfriend. Find anyone, in fact! This never ended well. I need to be “single” for a while (I was going to say “I need to be alone”, but that’s wrong). Right now, I’m chatting with some women, but I’m not thinking of relationships with any of them.
Focus is easy right this moment: I’m waiting to get a rehearsal schedule for “Shakespeare in the Trailer Park”. Today, we start tap dancing lessons in preparation for “42nd Street”. Leah has said that she won’t be in “42nd Street” but might audition for this group’s production of “Rent” in the summer. If she wants to audition, she can certainly go for it, but I think this particular group wants nothing to do with her any more. My big question mark right now is when I audition for “Streetcar Named Desire” next week: I am trying to remind myself that I won’t get a part in this, so I don’t feel let down . . . and at the same time I’m reminding myself that if I do get a part in this, that means I can’t be in “42nd Street”.
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