Progress?

Folks, we're approaching one whole month with me not dating anyone! 

This is actually a big deal!  In my life, "having a girlfriend or lover" has always been a priority.  In '07, I was supposed to spend some time alone after a bad breakup.  I needed to be sad and sleep in an empty bed.  I needed to reconnect with my kids, bring the three of us together again and say "this is OUR lives, this is OUR home, and we don't need anyone else."  It was going to be difficult, because it needed to be.  L wouldn't have any of that.  I was vulnerable, as I should be at that time, and she exploited that for her own needs.  I guess I should be thankful that she pushed herself into my life.  Now, I am going through what I should have gone through in '07 . . . but now I'm finding it much easier.

I can count on one hand the number of women with whom I've been involved in "serious" relationships.  They all have one thing in common: they all used me.  All of them.  With most, I find myself in better terms now . . . but it doesn't change the fact that when we were involved, they used me.  What's the message here?  True love exists for some people, but not me?  The only way I will feel love is from someone that is, ultimately, just using me?  Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, but I'm finding the prospect of being alone to be preferable to going through this.  If women like L are the best I can hope for from the world of women, then TO HELL WITH THEM ALL. 

I'm not sad now and I'm not in pain.  I am a person that just spent three years gasping for breath, that is finally peering out of the water.  I'm being hit with a fascinating logic: if I don't want to be constantly drowning, maybe I shouldn't spend so much time underwater? 

Of course, the challenge of this year is not to "not date".  That is a challenge for me, but not the challenge of the year.  Eventually, I need to date again.  I need to keep my head on straight.  I need to stop the temptation of making excuses for the woman, I need to stop myself from holding on in the hopes that things will get better.  I need to stop myself from hoping that some day this relationship will mean as much to her as it does to me . . . if I find myself asking that question, I need to say "I won't stand for this" and leave.  Now, THAT is a challenge! 

Can I do this?  Yes I can.  I believe I can.