A Night To Myself

In my younger days, I did a great deal alone.  I would go out and roam around the city alone.  I would go to the movies or to a show alone.  I went out to eat alone.  I would say that there wasn’t a problem with this, but to be fair I was spending a lot of that time looking for a girlfriend. 

I haven’t spent much time alone for a long, long time. 

After Leah left, I was dreading being alone.  To be fair, part of that was because Christmas and New Years were coming (for whatever her reason, Leah decided that she absolutely needed to leave right before the holidays).  I was under the impression that I wouldn’t have the kids for either of those occasions, but it turned out that I had them for New Years.

I haven’t spent that much time alone since Leah left.  The kids still live mostly with me.  Of course, a month after Leah moved out, I met Jen.  In the weeks since Jen and I met, we have only missed seeing each other for a grand total of one weekend.  If you add to that my activities – teaching, tap dance class in January, and rehearsals – I’m alone very rarely. 

So, last night, I realized: I had a night alone (the kids were with their mother), with nothing to do!  I was very much looking forward to this!

The evening started with a nap, but to be fair the cat had other opinions on the best use of this time.  In other words, I didn’t nap very long.  I made a quick dinner and started catching up on my DVR backlog.  I did dishes and started laundry.  After this, I decided I wanted to spend some time playing “Dance Central” on the Xbox 360 with the Kinect.  This led to me engineering a new optimal position for the Kinect camera.  Now, behind the TV, in the corner, I have a shelf, three old shoe boxes on top of them, and an old CD case on top of that.  On top of that is the Kinect camera, staring down at the rest of the room!

“Dance Central” works, I guess, with this setup.  Last night, I totally sucked, however.  The problem is that “Dance Central” doesn’t tell you what you are doing wrong, just that “this particular body part is wrong”.  It would highlight my arm, for example, indicating I was moving it wrong, but it couldn’t tell me what I was doing wrong.  Maybe I need a bit more practice. 

I had some time to watch my usual Thursday night TV shows, and then I was off to bed.  I had some time to chat with Jen, and then I read for a bit.  It was a good night alone, and something I appreciated. 

Too Busy

My schedule has been PACKED. 

Consider this Sunday, for example.  I’m teaching at church in the morning.  I’ll be leaving my younger son at church because he has a matinee performance of “Princess Ida”, which opens this Friday.  I’ll be heading down, picking up my older son, and going to “42^nd Street” rehearsal.  When that is done, I will be heading back to church, picking up my younger son, getting him home, then heading off to “Shakespeare in the Trailer Park” rehearsal.  And then there’s the Academy Awards, which I never miss. 

Last weekend was when I really started to feel like I was definitely overbooked.  That was because of the movie shoot.  I joked after that: “four shows at the same time is too much for me”. 

A good friend of mine is going to be playing Blanche in “Streetcar Named Desire”.  She remarked that the last show she was in was in October.  I thought about that: I have been in three shows since October, if you count the “Laramie Project” showcase.  Now, her role in “Streetcar” was substantially bigger than my parts in two of those productions, and I suspect bigger than my parts in “Laramie”.  I don’t think she would have agreed to play a part as small as my part in “Murder on the Nile”.  And, I suspect she wouldn’t have paid for an acting class, like I did for “Laramie”. 

The problem is that even a small part requires you be at rehearsals.  I’m on three times during “Shakespeare in the Trailer Park” (one of those three times is, I believe, the highlight of the show and will be the moment that everyone remembers).  These are spread out such that I don’t get to skip any rehearsals.  I’m at the beginning.  I show up for a minute or two in the middle.  And I’m at the ending.  It’s a small part, but I need to be at all of the rehearsals. 

So, right now, I have two plays and a showcase class.  Last weekend, I had a movie as well, but my part for that is done.  And I actually sit here and whine because I can’t do more.  I didn’t enjoy rejection, but I enjoyed going to auditions and meeting new groups.  Tomorrow is something called the “24 hour challenge”, where we put on a 10-minute show from writing to rehearsing to performing, all within 24 hours.  I can’t do it because “Shakespeare” rehearsals will get in the way.  Not to mention I need to get my younger son to and from “Princess Ida” performances.  Despite my tight and exhausting schedule, I feel bummed out that I can’t do this. 

Yes, I am overly busy.  But I’m overly busy doing something I love.  I find myself wanting more hours in the day and more days in the week, so I can do more. 

Prior to ’05, acting was something my kids did for fun.  We were searching for a social activity for my older son.  Soccer didn’t work, as he stood on one side of the field looking bored.  Band didn’t work, as he sat two seats away from anyone else.  I came up with the idea of acting: if the script called for him to interact with someone, he needed to interact with someone!  We got both kids involved, and they loved it.  After the separation, I decided “what the heck?” and I tried out for a play. 

My girlfriend at the time wasn’t interested at all in my theatre involvement.  Her boyfriend was going to be in a play, and she wasn’t even remotely interested.  She never came to see me perform.  I whined about this enough that the next two girlfriends knew they needed to take this a bit more seriously. 

My next girlfriend, X, watched us rehearse every night during tech week.  Heck, she even helped set up the props.  She was at every performance.  She was there to wrap her arms around me after every show.  At the time I thought she was proud of me.  Later, I realized that it was nothing more than “this is something I need to do to keep him”. 

After that was Leah.  Leah didn’t perform with me at first.  She didn’t like Gilbert & Sullivan.  Besides, she was in her own choir with her father and step-mother.  I saw her perform a few times, and she certainly came to see me perform.  The next year, we were doing another play that was not from Gilbert & Sullivan.  Leah was going to be in “The Gift of the Magi” with me.  She remarked that with her busy schedule, she wanted a small part.  When she saw the part she would be playing, she dropped out of the play.  She remarked that she didn’t want a part that was that small!  When he saw that she dropped out of the play, my older son also dropped out.  His girlfriend couldn’t be in the play so she didn’t want him in the play, and he did whatever she wanted.  I almost laughed at him when he said that he felt he should “concentrate on his schoolwork” instead of being in the play.  He dropped out of theatre completely that year. 

That left my younger son and me.  We missed a chunk of rehearsal time because of my heart surgery.  Three months after my heart surgery, I was on stage! 

The next year, after breaking with his girlfriend, my older son still showed no interest in acting.  When he saw the Christmas plays that year, however, he remembered how much he loved acting.  The next year, both sons were in a Gilbert & Sullivan production.  Leah and I drove them to-and-from, and we saw the play twice.  We spent a LOT of time, then, at a nearby mall! 

I never got a real feel for Leah’s choir involvement.  She didn’t seem to be at rehearsals all that often and I never remember her rehearsing.  When I would watch her perform, I would paint a smile on my face and say that she was great.  Maybe she was, but I could never pick out her voice from the choir.  She could have been moving her lips for all I knew.  Not to mention that her choir never sang anything I liked or even recognized.  Still, it was important to her and I was encouraging. 

Leah would later explain to me that part of being in a choir was making sure that your voice wasn’t noticeable: a choir works as a single unit.  As an actor, this was alien to me.  As an actor, I WANT to be noticed. 

With “Godspell”, we performed together.  This was the first time since I restarted acting that I was in a show without my kids (even my Neil Simon showcase: my older son was in that with me, as a last minute replacement).  I thought this brought us closer together, but instead it tore us apart.  She was constantly critical to me, to the point where I couldn’t practice with her.  And, of course, it was at the last performance when her parents threatened me.  The timer was ticking then, to our inevitable breakup.

I moved on to “Murder on the Nile” and “Laramie Project”.  My older son and I were in “Murder on the Nile” together.  That was ten weeks of time spent together.  During the six-week run, he and I spent 1 ½ hours out of every performance sitting in the green room together.  That does wonders to help us feel closer! 

During that time, my younger son was in “Hairspray” with Leah.  Leah initially didn’t want to audition for the play, but it didn’t take much arm twisting to convince her.  She wanted to try for the lead.  I encouraged her.  Honestly, though, this was her second play ever, so it was quite unlikely that she would jump from having two lines in “Godspell” to a lead role.  I pushed my younger son into auditioning, and it didn’t take long before he fell in love with this group: he told me once that he was quite thankful that I pushed him into auditioning with this group. 

After “Hairspray” and “Murder on the Nile” came to a close, both boys and I were in “Tiny Tim’s Christmas”.  It was great to work with both of them again!  Leah actually wound up not seeing this play, because she and I broke up before she had the chance. 

I suspect that all this time apart pushed along our inevitable break-up.  We were both spending very little time together, because of our rehearsal and performance schedules.  A couple should be able to spend time apart, but this occurred literally right after a huge crisis – her parents had threatened me.  Perhaps if we had time together then she might have approached things differently.  In the end, though, in that case it would have simply delayed the inevitable. 

It seems that this group was not as impressed with Leah as I had thought.  After she and I broke up, it became clear that they didn’t like her.  I thought Leah was a fantastic singer, but the leader of that group remarked that she was “okay” and “not that good”.  I can only assume she pissed off someone.  They are planning on performing either “Rent” or “Chicago” this summer, and Leah wanted to audition for that.  This group has a tradition of finding a place for everyone that auditions, but I wonder if they would break that if she auditioned. 

Before she left, I told Leah that I didn’t want her to ever come to one of my shows again.  I didn’t want her in the audience.  To be blunt, I don’t trust her.  I believe she knew that her step-father was going to threaten me.  Further, I find no way to interpret her behavior since then, but to say that she agreed with her parents.  I want to be able to perform in a play without worrying about someone trying to kill me!

So, that leaves Jen.  Jen and I know we are not an ideal couple.  We have some major incompatibilities that we know will eventually end our relationship.  But, we’re going to enjoy each other until that time.  She is a performer as well.  She performs with several bands.  She runs open-mic nights and jam sessions.  I can’t wait to see her perform!  And I want her to be in the audience when I perform.  The week after next, I plan on heading up to New York City to see her perform.  The next morning, we will head down in time for a benefit show.  I will be part of the group performing “Lullaby of Broadway”, and I get my 2-line solo! 

A cynical old man?

Today, of all ironies, I was giving a woman a pep talk about her love life.  She is in her 20’s, and has for the past few months had an interest in a particular man.  From what she told me, he finally asked her out . . . and then canceled on the same day!  I told her: I am a couple of decades older than her, so I have the right to be cynical.  She is young enough to be idealistic and romantic about such things. 

Yeah, I get to be cynical. 

Make no mistake, things are going well with Jen.  We have just had our one-month anniversary, and in that time only one weekend has passed where we haven’t seen each other.  We are doing well.  There are one or two issues that have me wondering how much of a future we might have, but that’s not an alarm or anything.  Is she “the one” for me?  I’m not even pretending: I don’t believe in “the one”. 

I met the woman that became my wife when I was 18 years old.  We were talking marriage pretty early on.  I saw problems – serious problems – early, but I did the mandatory “things will get better” bit.  Guess what?  They didn’t.  Still, we were together – and daily parts of each other’s lives – for 18 years.  That’s a long time, and too long to consider our relationship a “failure”.  I don’t remember every day of that time.  I remember overall impressions . . . and honestly I can’t remember being happy in any of those overall impressions.  I had no self esteem with women, I spent far too many years being unattractive to women . . . and I “settled” with her.  And when I saw that things were going very badly, early on, I didn’t want to lose.  I didn’t want to prove her mother right.  I didn’t want to prove my sister right. 

Somewhere when I grew older, I started becoming attractive to certain women.  Make no mistake, when I walk in to a room, women don’t turn their head to look at me.  I’m not THAT man, and I never will be.  Women don’t eye me from across the room, hoping I will come to talk to them.  And when women sit alone and think about their “dream man”, he isn’t me.  Women are every bit as shallow as men, if not more so.  But, there are some women that are able to look past all of that, and find something attractive in me.  Unfortunately, this is often accompanied by mental illness, selfishness, and cruelty.  Not always, but often. 

Jen was not at all my intention.  Leah had left a month earlier.  I had Christmas, New Years, and my younger son’s birthday.  I was getting used to being alone.  I decided that week to start socializing again.  I went out with a group of new friends, and I had a great time.  And that Saturday, I went to a party.  I met Jen there, and we traded contact information.  Honestly, I didn’t think either of us was particularly “into” each other.  Then, she mentioned that she would be in Pennsylvania that next weekend: would I like to get together?  I applied the word “date” to that as a joke, but we both quickly agreed this was a “date”.  I keep thinking of the phrase “seek and ye shall not find; don’t seek and ye shall”. 

We’ve had a great month.  Let’s see what the next month brings.  I’m not thinking past that. 

After my ex-wife and I separated, the first woman with whom I was involved was someone that never grew up.  Now, five years later, she STILL lives with her mother.  She was also very manipulative, and put a great deal of effort into controlling me.  After her, we had a woman that I swear was a sociopath.  She wanted someone to let her and her kids – including her mentally ill older son – move in, and she was willing to declare her unending passionate love for that purpose.  That relationship was a nightmare, but at least the sex was great.  After her, I spent a summer trying to avoid any serious relationships while Leah essentially stalked me.  She had maybe a year before her father had insisted she needed to move out, and she saw me as a good prospect to that end.  Finally, lonely and with no real prospects, I agreed to give a relationship a try.  We all saw how that turned out. 

Yes, I get to be cynical.  I get to be disgusted.  And I get to meet someone that turns that all around.  I hope this has finally happened, but I’m not crossing my fingers.  Let’s just let things go the way they go. 

Maybe it was karma?

Writing, yesterday, about "X" made me think of how . . . well, how horrendous Leah's actions were, three years ago.  She saw the pain and suffering that X had put me through.  The official story was that she loved me so much and she was convinced that she could be better for me.  The real story was that she used me, just as much as did X.  She saw what I went through for X and decided "good: perfect sucker".  Before she left, I asked her "didn't you think I had gone through enough?" regarding when X and I broke up.  Her answer was a bunch of nonsense.  The real answer was that she didn't care. 

I might say that I hope, I dearly hope, that Jen is being upfront with me, as I believe she is.  I don't think I could go through this again.  I'm not going to say that, because I'm already past the point.  I "couldn't go through this again" before I got involved with Leah, and yet I did.  I'll survive, even if "survive" means a surgical scar going down the middle of my chest. 

I used to say that I am trusting, not stupid.  I used to lash out at people, like X, that decided that "trusting" WAS "stupid".  Enough people seem to think this, that maybe I should listen to their arguments.  Maybe it isn't "being trusting".  Maybe, with X and with Leah, I was indeed "being stupid".  Lately, though, I've been tinking: maybe there is something karmic in the works.  I spent a lot of time lying, and I've grown pretty darn good at it.  And in the second half of this past decade, what do I have to show for it?  Liars after liars after liars.  Maybe, just maybe, being able to justify my need to lie might not change the karmic damage.  I hope that, with Leah's departure, things have fallen back into balance.

A Little Cautiousness

The other day, I was chatting with a friend about Jen.  I found myself making an interesting remark.  Yes, I am keeping my eyes open regarding Jen.  On the one hand, I remarked, it’s a bit sad that I’m being cautious.  On the other hand, after two serious relationships in a row where it turned out that I was just being used . . . maybe it’s sad that it took this long. 

Jen is VERY different from Leah.  She’s older and more mature (she’s, in fact, a little older than me and lives on her own).  She has a good career.  She is established in her life in New York and will not be moving in with me.  She has stated: she needs nothing from me but my company.  Great . . . except that this is a LOT like the claims of the lover before Leah.  Let’s call her “X”.  X made similar claims, but it turned out that all of those claims were lies.  X saw that this is what I really wanted at that time in my life, and she created a persona that was irresistible to me.  She was just using me.  I want to say that Jen is different because of all of these reasons, but then I am reminded that X made many of the same claims.  I guess the difficulty here is that it sounds like I don’t trust Jen.  I DO trust Jen, but I am approaching this in the manner of the movie The Golden Voyages of Sinbad: “Trust in Allah, but always tie up your mule.”

X was an attractive, passionate woman.  She was my “special friend” as the relationship-with-my-girlfriend-at-the-time was coming to an end.  X described a fascinating life story and made herself appear to be the leader of a community of friends (by “made herself appear”: she literally created six or seven fake e-mail addresses and contacted me from these, pretending to be her-friends-that-were-soooo-happy-for-her).  Basically, she needed a man to let her and her kids move in, and I was the best prospect at the time.

When she and her kids came out to visit me, she saw that I did, in fact, have a house that was big enough for everyone.  Her con game moved in to high gear.  On the one hand, the story of her past was enhanced with her involvement in big business (which she had to give up because of a head injury), that was going to result in her being rich in a few years.  On the other hand, she increased the risk to letting her live where she was: her ex-husband was abusing her son and sexually assaulting her, and his family had so many connections out there that she was helpless.  Add to that my own loneliness at that time, and her promises to take care of me (I wouldn’t need to cook anymore!), and soon she moved in with me. 

X’s big trademark was constant lying (although there were other things, like her erratic abusive behavior).  A year after she moved in, we broke up (although we got involved again six months later).  To give a sense as to how bad it was . . . towards the end, we had an argument and I was sitting on the floor.  I said to her: “There’s no more relationship to protect.  You can’t protect me any more – you’ve already broken my heart and torn it to pieces.  Tell me the truth about SOMETHING!  I’ve earned that!”  I was actually reduced to that level!  And the punch-line was that she answered that with another lie. 

I used to wonder why I put up with her.  Why did I keep trying with her erratic behavior?  A month after she moved in, it was revealed that she had literally lied about her entire identity: why didn’t I tell her to leave then?  Why did I keep trying?  Why did I keep trusting, even when I knew that it was an almost certainty that she was lying?  The answer is that she was a skilled con artist.  I kept giving her chances and hoping because that is what she wanted me to do.  I can be easily played.  Leah saw me going through that, and decided that it was HER turn to play me.  All that has changed with me is that I am now with another woman, but I can STILL be played.  And, yes, it is possible that Jen is playing me as well.  I believe she isn’t, and I hope she isn’t . . . but if I kept on the rose colored glasses, then that means I didn’t learn anything from my experiences with X and with Leah, and THAT would be the tragedy. 

Neglecting this blog a wee bit . . .

I've been neglecting this blog a wee bit.  So, what has been happening?

Mainly, work.  January was the "month where we had to use up our vacation days" at my job, and this was compounded by snow.  With February 1st, I had some work I seriously needed to get done! 

For my birthday, I bought a Kinect and I even picked up the game "Dance Central".  I would say that this has been occupying my time, but I really spend more time staring at it than I do using it.  This is not to say I'm not using it a good bit!  I'm really impressed with the technology, and I am having fun with "Dance Central", even if I find it a bit frustrating. 

Jen and I chat every night and text back and forth through much of the day.  And this Saturday, after rehearsal, I'm heading up to New York to spend the evening with her.  I need to rush back on Sunday, in order to get to another rehearsal.  This relationship is fun and relaxed, and is just what I have been needing. 

Not much has been happening with Leah, which is a good thing.  I am hoping that this story, this "episode of my life" is over.  Leah does have some friends that mingle in the same circles that I might, and that means we might run in to each other (Jen asked about a party in March, and I saw on a web site for the party that Leah is thinking about attending as well).  If we run in to each other, I will deal with that then, but I don't want to spend my life avoiding things because she might be there.  She did subtly let me know that she has a new job, by sending me an e-mail from her new work e-mail account.  This might have been an accident, but I doubt that: Leah would generally e-mail me from her iPhone, which is set up for her Gmail account.  I don't particularly care. 

The kids and I need to spend a few days rolling up our sleeves and cleaning.  Leah has been gone for over a month, and I feel it's time to move from "not letting things get worse" to "making things better".  My older son is all set, but my younger son is a bit frustrating.  He says he forgets to put-something-away or doesn't think about tossing-something-out: enough of that!  He acts lazy and irresponsible, but I need him to learn to take care of himself.