Not every lover has used me. But surprisingly many have.
Leah? Oh yes. Once she left, without her 24/7 manipulation, I realized that she had just been using me. She wasn't just love-struck and unaware-of-boundaries early on: she was pushing me to be her boyfriend (read: stalking me) because she knew she would have to move soon and she needed someone to let her move in. My income isn't large, but it was sufficient to allow her to live a life-style beyond her means. She was just using me.
Prior to Leah, I dated a woman I will refer to as X. She was the worst case. She wanted me to let her and her kids move in with me, and to that end she was willing to love me with every fiber of her being. Leah started her games right after X left. Before Leah left, I asked her: "Didn't you think I had gone through enough? Didn't you think she had put me through enough?" She said she did, and she felt certain she was better for me than X. I don't believe her: I believe Leah saw how I was with X as "oh good, a sucker!"
One of my revelations, after Leah was gone, was that I was far more heartbroken with X than I was with Leah. After X left, I painfully asked "could she have just been using me?" After Leah left, I simply shrugged and said "yeah, she was using me." I pondered the difference in attitude. X was far more attractive and far sexier than Leah. X had a much nicer body. Further, sex with X was by far the best I had ever had in my life. Leah had a cute face, and that was about it. Sex, sensuality? Leah didn't have a clue. She expected it from me, but did nothing in return. Losing X meant losing the way she used to touch me every night in bed, and the resulting love-making. Losing Leah meant losing a warm body to snuggle against at night. Could this account for the different attitudes?
Both liked to surround themselves with lonely desperate men. For Leah, we found her charming and delightful based solely on the presence of two X chromosomes. For X, we found her hot and sexy, and were willing to put up with any sorts of abuse because we never imagined being with another woman that had breasts like that.
Both X and Leah were my constant companions. We did just about everything together. With X, however, we included the kids. Leah went out of her way to NOT include the kids. A more honest description was that Leah was trying her best to drive a wedge between my kids and me. X did plenty of activities with the kids, and my kids knew they could count on her. X would help with school projects, X would drive them to any and all activities and X would take part. When the high school play was going to be "Sound of Music", X was enthusiastic. She coached my older son for auditions, and told him that if he was in the play she would be at every performance. And, guess what? She was at every performance. I can't think of a single time Leah showed that sort of enthusiasm for anything with the kids. As a result, when X left, my kids felt the loss as well. When Leah left, my kids celebrated.
In between X and Leah was Rhiannon. We had a nice month-and-a-half together. Rhiannon was getting ready to move to Oregon. I offered, if she changed her mind, for her to stay with me for a little while. Rhiannon declined. She wasn't using me. We just enjoyed each other, and now have the joy of simply missing each other. After X and Leah, I get cynical . . . would Rhiannon act the same way if she ever moved back? One part of me believes that she wouldn't. Another part of me has been brainwashed by Leah and by X: "no woman can possibly love you just for yourself . . . every woman will just pretend to love you so long as she can use you." I know that I am being cautious right now because a part of me believes what Leah and X wanted me to believe. That will pass in its own time. I hope.
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