Writing, yesterday, about "X" made me think of how . . . well, how horrendous Leah's actions were, three years ago. She saw the pain and suffering that X had put me through. The official story was that she loved me so much and she was convinced that she could be better for me. The real story was that she used me, just as much as did X. She saw what I went through for X and decided "good: perfect sucker". Before she left, I asked her "didn't you think I had gone through enough?" regarding when X and I broke up. Her answer was a bunch of nonsense. The real answer was that she didn't care.
I might say that I hope, I dearly hope, that Jen is being upfront with me, as I believe she is. I don't think I could go through this again. I'm not going to say that, because I'm already past the point. I "couldn't go through this again" before I got involved with Leah, and yet I did. I'll survive, even if "survive" means a surgical scar going down the middle of my chest.
I used to say that I am trusting, not stupid. I used to lash out at people, like X, that decided that "trusting" WAS "stupid". Enough people seem to think this, that maybe I should listen to their arguments. Maybe it isn't "being trusting". Maybe, with X and with Leah, I was indeed "being stupid". Lately, though, I've been tinking: maybe there is something karmic in the works. I spent a lot of time lying, and I've grown pretty darn good at it. And in the second half of this past decade, what do I have to show for it? Liars after liars after liars. Maybe, just maybe, being able to justify my need to lie might not change the karmic damage. I hope that, with Leah's departure, things have fallen back into balance.
No comments:
Post a Comment