Today, of all ironies, I was giving a woman a pep talk about her love life. She is in her 20’s, and has for the past few months had an interest in a particular man. From what she told me, he finally asked her out . . . and then canceled on the same day! I told her: I am a couple of decades older than her, so I have the right to be cynical. She is young enough to be idealistic and romantic about such things.
Yeah, I get to be cynical.
Make no mistake, things are going well with Jen. We have just had our one-month anniversary, and in that time only one weekend has passed where we haven’t seen each other. We are doing well. There are one or two issues that have me wondering how much of a future we might have, but that’s not an alarm or anything. Is she “the one” for me? I’m not even pretending: I don’t believe in “the one”.
I met the woman that became my wife when I was 18 years old. We were talking marriage pretty early on. I saw problems – serious problems – early, but I did the mandatory “things will get better” bit. Guess what? They didn’t. Still, we were together – and daily parts of each other’s lives – for 18 years. That’s a long time, and too long to consider our relationship a “failure”. I don’t remember every day of that time. I remember overall impressions . . . and honestly I can’t remember being happy in any of those overall impressions. I had no self esteem with women, I spent far too many years being unattractive to women . . . and I “settled” with her. And when I saw that things were going very badly, early on, I didn’t want to lose. I didn’t want to prove her mother right. I didn’t want to prove my sister right.
Somewhere when I grew older, I started becoming attractive to certain women. Make no mistake, when I walk in to a room, women don’t turn their head to look at me. I’m not THAT man, and I never will be. Women don’t eye me from across the room, hoping I will come to talk to them. And when women sit alone and think about their “dream man”, he isn’t me. Women are every bit as shallow as men, if not more so. But, there are some women that are able to look past all of that, and find something attractive in me. Unfortunately, this is often accompanied by mental illness, selfishness, and cruelty. Not always, but often.
Jen was not at all my intention. Leah had left a month earlier. I had Christmas, New Years, and my younger son’s birthday. I was getting used to being alone. I decided that week to start socializing again. I went out with a group of new friends, and I had a great time. And that Saturday, I went to a party. I met Jen there, and we traded contact information. Honestly, I didn’t think either of us was particularly “into” each other. Then, she mentioned that she would be in Pennsylvania that next weekend: would I like to get together? I applied the word “date” to that as a joke, but we both quickly agreed this was a “date”. I keep thinking of the phrase “seek and ye shall not find; don’t seek and ye shall”.
We’ve had a great month. Let’s see what the next month brings. I’m not thinking past that.
After my ex-wife and I separated, the first woman with whom I was involved was someone that never grew up. Now, five years later, she STILL lives with her mother. She was also very manipulative, and put a great deal of effort into controlling me. After her, we had a woman that I swear was a sociopath. She wanted someone to let her and her kids – including her mentally ill older son – move in, and she was willing to declare her unending passionate love for that purpose. That relationship was a nightmare, but at least the sex was great. After her, I spent a summer trying to avoid any serious relationships while Leah essentially stalked me. She had maybe a year before her father had insisted she needed to move out, and she saw me as a good prospect to that end. Finally, lonely and with no real prospects, I agreed to give a relationship a try. We all saw how that turned out.
Yes, I get to be cynical. I get to be disgusted. And I get to meet someone that turns that all around. I hope this has finally happened, but I’m not crossing my fingers. Let’s just let things go the way they go.
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