A few months ago, I went on an audition, and as usual I didn't get a part. This led me to some soul searching. In 2010, what did I see? I was in two Hedgerow class showcases, so there was no audition. I was in "Godspell", but that was with a group that finds everyone a part, so that didn't count. I was in "A Man For All Seasons", but I auditioned for that in 2008. I was asked to audition for "Murder on the Nile", but it was pretty much pre-determined that they wanted me. I don't recall auditioning for "Tiny Tim's Christmas" at all. I had one and only one successful audition that year, and that resulted in a bit-part in "Shakespeare in the Trailer Park". I auditioned a LOT last year, and that was my one and only success. That was only audition where it wasn't a given that I would get the part.
In 2011, I had one more Hedgerow class showcase and I was in two more plays. One was "Shakespeare in the Trailer Park", and the other was "42nd Street". With "42nd Street", again it was pre-determined. I was also in a student film, which had no audition. Oh, and I was asked to be in "Henry V" . . . after I had initially been turned down for a part.
I went to two auditions in the winter and spring. One was for "Streetcar Named Desire", and I didn't get a part. My heart really wasn't in it, though: I was in the middle of tap dance classes to prepare for "42nd Street", and I liked the idea of performing with my friends and my boys. I think the director was considering me for a smaller part, and that didn't interest me at all. I wasn't offered a part, but I felt better when I saw their final cast: this was an amazing show, and the person that got the part I wanted was a much better fit for the part.
The second audition was for "Angels in America". The audition committee went "wow" at my monologue, but I didn't get a part. At that point, I decided it was time to take a break. The world of acting just didn't want me, and I was tired of banging my head against a wall.
I was very cranky during "Shakespeare in the Trailer Park", and I was glad when it was over. Then, I felt, I could concentrate on "42nd Street". Unfortunately, all the focus was put on the musical numbers and the dances, and I realized that my character was basically being ignored. After all of that, I was happy with my performance (since no one was directing me, I did the part the way I wanted), but literally not one single person (other than Jen) seemed to notice. When we went out at the end of the show to mingle with the audience, I gave a mandatory minute-and-a-half, which was enough time to notice that not one single person in the audience cared about my performance. I was glad and relieved when it was over. I realized that I was in ten performances in less than a year, so perhaps that was why I was so cranky.
Last night, I decided to try auditioning again. Three and a half hours later, I received a rejection e-mail. And I find myself wondering: why am I even trying? Three and a half hours means I was literally on the first page of rejections, even though the director said that she "liked" my reading. That's a little detail: I never get called for a callback. I am consistently on that first page of rejections. People don't need time to think when they say "no" to me.
Here's the part that bothers me most, though. Jen has a friend that thinks of himself as quite a singer. He auditions and is rejected, but he keeps on going. He posts videos of himself performing and he even has a newsletter. It doesn't dawn on him that he is terrible! This leads me to a question: am I actually any good? Biased people like Jen say that I am. Tom, who has taught two of my acting classes at Hedgerow, says that I am, but I paid $250 a shot for his classes. I hear from all of these sources that I am good, and yet I keep getting turned down from audition to audition. Maybe it's race, but even if it is my brown skin . . . I'm not so good that people are willing to look past the brown skin. If it's my brown skin that prevents me from getting roles, I would like it to be a difficult decision to say "no", and that doesn't appear to be the case.
Maybe it's time to quit.
This year, I co-wrote "Vampe", and my writing has drawn considerable praise. I also wrote "Leia", a play that has the interest of a director and will likely be staged soon. That means that I am officially having more luck as a writer than as an actor. Maybe that is where my future lies.
