Feeling a bit down about theatre, again.

This fall, I signed up for two acting classes at Hedgerow.  One was taught by Tom, and I had taken his classes twice before.  The other was taught by Lou, who is an old established actor and playwright.  Lou tends to be a bit harsh, and I know that there were times he stopped me in my tracks.  That's a good thing, however: he was able to pinpoint a skill I seriously need to work on.  Lou's class is over and Tom's class ends next week. 

I've been feeling a bit "eh" about the classes this time around.  Nothing against the class or the teachers, it's "me".  I came into the classes without any "I want to work on this" items.  I see other people in the class talking about shows and audition prep, and I have none of that.  I feel like I'm just along for the ride. 

There's no secret to this all.  Back early this year, I was seriously distressed.  I realized how small and insignificant were my parts for "Shakespeare in the Trailer Park" and "42nd Street".  After a few more rejections, I decided to take a break.  I was still committed to do "Henry V" in the August, but beyond that I didn't bother.  I did audition for a few places, and it was just rejection after rejection.  I did get one part, which was a silly bit-part in a silly Christmas play.  I found myself wondering if I had any future in acting at all. 

During "Shakespeare" and "42nd Street", I was taking another class at Hedgerow.  I decided that it was in acting class where I would get a challenging monologue or scene.  Who cares if community theatre never ever came through for me, when I could just take a class at Hedgerow?  I went in to the classes this fall with nothing: no dreams of taking my skills to stage, no dreams that I will ever have a place in theatre.  This time around, I'm seeing that the class isn't enough.  I need a part that I can work on from start to finish (not just a scene picked out somewhere).  I need a part that I can think about, a character I can build.  And I need to work with a director.  Without any of this, my skills aren't improving.  I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall with my classes: to get more out of the acting classes, I need to act.  And the sorts of parts I have had this year have done nothing to help my acting skills.  And I'm not getting any better opportunities. 

I love theatre, but theatre doesn't love me.  Given my love life (Leah and Joni), this is a pretty common occurance in my life.