Feeling a bit down

As this year comes to a close, I find myself wondering if I should just call it quits as an actor.  This past weekend, I got a response from a recent audition: would I be interested in a small non-speaking part?  I brushed it off and did something I never do: I turned them down.  Will I hear from them again?  I doubt it.  As the weekend continued, I realized that this bothered me more than I had expected. 

The most important skill an actor can have is to be able to take rejection.  I guess I'm really lacking with that.  I am now hit with a question: am I any good?  Sitting in the car I can listen to the radio and I think my singing sounds good.  It sounds good to me.  But, anyone else that might hear me will have a different opinion.  To them, I sound terrible.  What if that is what it's like when I act?

What do I have to go on?  The opinions of friends.  The opinions of teachers of acting classes for which I pay.  And, counter-balancing that, I have a ton of rejections.  Maybe it is my brown skin or maybe I'm too old or maybe it's just that I suck.  In any of those cases, I'm just wasting my time. 

And maybe I am wasting my time. 

I felt this during my acting classes on Monday.  I think everyone in class could tell I was feeling down, and my heart wasn't into it.  I still tried to listen and learn, so I got something out of these classes.  I wonder, though, why am I bothering?  I'm in these classes yet I find myself with no hope at all in taking what I am learning in these classes and applying them.  What's the point? 

I can hear plenty of my friends offering me reassurance, but the real reassurance I need right now is for someone in some freaking audition committee to do one of two things.  First, offer me a part that's actually interesting.  Second . . . if there was something I need to work on, please tell me honestly what!  I don't need people telling me that I'm "good" and that I should hold on: I hear plenty of that.

In the middle of these classes, one of the students got up and performed a monologue from my play "Leia".  She was good, and everyone (including the instructor) was thoroughly amazed at what I had written.  I don't think I mind that.  Maybe that's where my future in theatre lies.  I've always suspected that would be the case.