The joke is that my New Years resolution was that I would get through this year without moving a girlfriend in with me. It's now mid-October: 2 1/2 months, and I can claim victory! In actuality, my resolution was that I would no longer stay in relationships where I question whether I value the relationship more than the other. I don't question this with Jen, so while I can claim victory, it's a bit of a hollow victory. If I hadn't met Jen, if I was in a relationship with someone like Leah, have I changed enough that I would leave? Or would I continue to hang on, hoping something would change?
I was thinking about my older son the other day. A few years ago, he was very lonely and wanted a girlfriend. He got involved with a girl named Annie. Annie is very manipulative and knows how to "play" people. She was very controlling to my son, making very clear her agenda to separate him from his friends, his family, and anything he loved. My son went along with this, doing things like giving up theatre or pretending to like the "Twilight" series because she insisted he do so. But one day it just went too far. He came home and told me they had broken up. It was like an on/off switch had been flicked, and he had no more feelings for Annie. She was hurting and I wanted him to talk to her, make her understand what had happened . . . he refused. It was over. She was gone from his life.
At first, I thought he was being quite heartless. I later speculated: given my crappy record with breakups, perhaps I'm not one to talk. Perhaps my son was doing this correctly?
The other day, I found myself thinking about what my son has seen in relationships. He has watched me in two bad relationships, first Joni and then Leah. He watched me being patient, giving second and third and fourth chances, and hoping that something would change. He watched how I kept getting disappointed and hurt, and he watched how ironically the woman wound up leaving me. What kind of lesson was I teaching him? At least he learned that this was not the way he should proceed! At least, he learned that in the end.
That's the tough part for me. Have I even taught myself my own lessons? Last year, Leah's parents threatened me. I watched Leah that day run outside and put on a pouty face, even though she claimed she didn't know what had happened. I believed her. She demanded that I not talk about it. I didn't follow that, but I understood. She said she didn't believe me, that "other sources" (which turned out to be her mother) claimed a very different story. Here, I told her it was over between us, but I didn't follow through. When she came back the next day and said she realized I was telling the truth, I accepted her back into my life with open arms. Was she really acting like someone that had a change of heart? She stopped talking to her mother, but there were other reasons for that . . . her father was a part of this incident, and she was exchanging cat pictures with him. Again, I understood. When it became clear that she had done absolutely nothing, I understood and I made excuses for her. What did she have to do to make me see?
The answer was that she had to take her parents' side, deny their racism and make up an incident between her and me to justify their behavior. And she had to leave. In her absence, I finally connected the dots. I realized that she had a habit of pissing me off, saying whatever it took to calm me, and NOT fixing anything. I realized that she, very likely, knew her parents' plan to threaten me, and did nothing about it. This all came to me when she was gone. Gee, that was useful.
Is there another Leah out there in my future? I can sit here and say that I am with Jen now, so the answer is "no". Right now, Jen seems a good person that cares about me. If I am right about her, maybe I will never know. Maybe it's just a question that will stay in the back of my mind. I hope so.
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