So long to 2011!
All in all, this has been a good year for me. My job is moving along well (I took the lead with several big projects and my career actually seems to be going somewhere). My finances are doing pretty well: much to my surprise (my bills are all getting paid each month, and I'm not finding myself scrimping).
If my ex-girlfriend has tried any crap with me, it really hasn't gone anywhere. On occasion, some friend or another mentions something she posted on some site or another, and on occasion I can tell that it's something pointed to me. The last time anyone mentioned any of that to me was after Yom Kippur. She is, according to Jewish law, required to make amends to anyone she wronged, and she most certainly wronged me. She whined on some site, how can she make amends when I've threatened her with a PFA if she contacts me again? I hope that rationalization made her feel better. I laughed at that one, because she openly violated my threat by going to see "42nd Street", when she knew I was in that play. It's the classic musical theatre vs. God's law dilemma.
She did try some crap earlier in the year. She kept bugging me for things-she-had-left-when-she-moved-out. She wasn't very subtle with this. Normally, e-mails came from a personal account, but suddenly one day the e-mail came from an account from a bank. I guess she wanted me to know that she had gotten a job. She was also hinting in these e-mails that she had gotten involved with someone. In the end, I told her: enough already! She had been gone for several months, I had thrown out a great deal of old stuff . . . whatever she has forgotten is no longer any of my concern. She tried to engage me in a fight at one point, talking about how much I loathe her parents (gee, what a shock) and talking about how I've been badmouthing her (like I've said: if she gets a death threat from things I've said about her, she can talk). I refused to play her game, and I cut that "conversation" short. I had promised to clear off some old bills that had been under her name, but I told her these would take time as I needed to get my own finances in order. She got impatient with that and hinted that she might take legal action. I went ahead and paid, as I had promised, and that was when I told her that we have no further business with each other. That was when I told her: any business between us is finished, so if she contacts me again I might have to take legal action (since, given her mental health issues, I must judge her to be a danger to my family and to me).
By the way, I discovered that a community theatre group really hated her. This was the group for whom I did "42nd Street". She and I did "Godspell" with them, and she did "Hairspray" with them. Early in the year, they mentioned her quite negatively. What the heck? They were doing "Rent" in the summer, and remarked that she had spoken about wanting to audition for that . . . to put it mildly, they didn't see a place for her in that play! They warned me that she had shown up for "42nd Street". After that, we had a chance to chat about what had happened. It wasn't simply how she and her family treated me (remember that her family threatened me during one of their shows, so naturally they took some offense to that). It turned out that she had become a bit of a diva during "Hairspray". Even though she had maybe two lines in "Godspell" and no lines at all in "Hairspray", she had quite an attitude! Apparently, she even told one of the actresses that she could have sung the actress' part better than her! Ugh!
Well, she was gone.
And then came Jen! Jen has an unfair advantage. My previous two girlfriends had an agenda with me, they wanted to move in with me. To that end, they became interested in my activities and "my world". Jen isn't moving in with me and becoming part of "my world". Jen has New York City. Spending time with Jen means going to Broadway shows, meeting people from the Trans Siberian Orchestra or the Flying Karamazov Brothers, or watching her perform with one of her bands at the Bitter End. It isn't just for me. Because of Jen, my kids saw their first Broadway show. My younger son, because of Jen, saw his second, third and fourth Broadway show. Because of Jen, my older son started playing guitar again, and jammed for 3 1/2 hours with her at a studio. Heck, one day I received an e-mail from "NintendoWorld" in Manhattan. In the past, I would have tossed the e-mail. No: because of Jen, we were able to go there!
But what about her? She's intelligent and mature. I don't feel like I'm taking care of her. She has her quirks, but she's actually interesting. She's actually exciting. She is extremely talented, and she is actually respected. The problem is me: for anyone else, saying "I fell in love with her" might elicit huge smiles and joy. But this is me: OF COURSE I fell in love with her. I guess it's also no surprise that I want to spend my life with her. The thing is that I am actually very happy with her, right here and right now.
I've whined a bit about theatre this year. Last year, theatre was so exciting. This year, I realized that I was hitting a wall. Theatre is a white man's game, and I'm not white. I've grown bored and frustrated at never ever being given a part that is challenging. I am sick and tired of nailing an audition, and finding that I'm on top of the first page of a rejection list. I'm sick and tired of, on those few times I even get a part, finding that it's a bit part, a case of "where can we fit in the brown guy". On the other hand, I'm starting to make a name for myself as a writer. Two directors with whom I have worked are preparing to put on plays I have either written or co-written, in 2012. This is, I believe, what my theatre legacy will be: I will not be remembered as an actor, but my plays do seem to be raising eyebrows.
So, in the end, this has been a good year for me. It's been a better year than I've had in quite a while! 2011 has been the Year of Jen. This is the year when, for a nice change of pace, someone else swept me away!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I've Made It Through A Year!
It's been a year since L moved out!
A week ago, it was a year since L announced she was leaving. She didn't waste time: she called her parents and arranged to move out a week later. She also decided that she would do whatever it took to not tell me "why?" Her approach was unfortunate: during our time together, there were two incidents of serious flareups of her mental illness (I don't know what the actual terms were). During that week, she started claiming that she was experiencing those flareups again. It came out that week that she was faking all of that, to run down the clock and avoid answering me. This made me wonder: did she fake those flareups in the first place? I was forced to conclude that yes, she had faked it.
I expected to be heart-broken. L was basically saying that she agreed with her parents, the people that had despised me from day 1 and had threatened to kill me. It was clear that L had just been using me, and that she genuinely didn't think I deserved better. I knew her well enough to know that she was not doing without the attention of men. She left me to pick up the pieces of my life ten days before Christmas.
I was expecting to be heart-broken, but that isn't what happened. I came home the day she had moved out. The house was empty except for my cat. She was gone. And I felt a huge feeling of relief. There was no more struggling with her. There was no worrying about what was happening with her. There was no more need to take care of her: she was someone else's problem. I was free of her, for the first time in five years. It actually felt good having the bed to myself!
She owed me a great deal of money, and her father left a check to cover that (actually, she owed me more than that, but given how quickly she moved, I had to put together the numbers in a hurry). That meant I could go out shopping for Christmas presents. High on my list was an iPad!
My ex-wife, seeing that I was suddenly alone, invited me to Christmas dinner with her and the kids. I had the kids for New Years, and we went to see a show together. And, a few weeks later, a month after she moved out, I met Jen.
After meeting Jen, she and I chatted online the next week. She then mentioned she would be in Pennsylvania the next weekend: would I like to get together? I mentioned on Facebook that I had a "date". So many friends came out of the woodwork, excited for me. After the date, people were anxious to know how it went, and were thrilled to see me happy. It would seem that L wasn't as well-liked as I had thought. I discovered how many people seriously disliked her!
I haven't seen L since she moved out. We conversed via e-mail. She would ask to stop by to pick up some things she had left. I would put the things in a bag and leave them on the back porch: I didn't want to see her. She did e-mail me about some of her bills from when she had moved out -- the electric bill and the cable bill were under her name. I took my time, but eventually covered them. With that, I told her: she is to not contact me or my family ever again. She agreed, but still went to see "42nd Street", knowing full well that my kids and I were in the show. None of us saw her in the audience and she left quickly. I hope to never see her ever again.
I've had my ups and downs this year, and none of it had anything to do with L. On the whole, though, I've had a fabulous year! I didn't just survive this year: I'm actually happy!
A week ago, it was a year since L announced she was leaving. She didn't waste time: she called her parents and arranged to move out a week later. She also decided that she would do whatever it took to not tell me "why?" Her approach was unfortunate: during our time together, there were two incidents of serious flareups of her mental illness (I don't know what the actual terms were). During that week, she started claiming that she was experiencing those flareups again. It came out that week that she was faking all of that, to run down the clock and avoid answering me. This made me wonder: did she fake those flareups in the first place? I was forced to conclude that yes, she had faked it.
I expected to be heart-broken. L was basically saying that she agreed with her parents, the people that had despised me from day 1 and had threatened to kill me. It was clear that L had just been using me, and that she genuinely didn't think I deserved better. I knew her well enough to know that she was not doing without the attention of men. She left me to pick up the pieces of my life ten days before Christmas.
I was expecting to be heart-broken, but that isn't what happened. I came home the day she had moved out. The house was empty except for my cat. She was gone. And I felt a huge feeling of relief. There was no more struggling with her. There was no worrying about what was happening with her. There was no more need to take care of her: she was someone else's problem. I was free of her, for the first time in five years. It actually felt good having the bed to myself!
She owed me a great deal of money, and her father left a check to cover that (actually, she owed me more than that, but given how quickly she moved, I had to put together the numbers in a hurry). That meant I could go out shopping for Christmas presents. High on my list was an iPad!
My ex-wife, seeing that I was suddenly alone, invited me to Christmas dinner with her and the kids. I had the kids for New Years, and we went to see a show together. And, a few weeks later, a month after she moved out, I met Jen.
After meeting Jen, she and I chatted online the next week. She then mentioned she would be in Pennsylvania the next weekend: would I like to get together? I mentioned on Facebook that I had a "date". So many friends came out of the woodwork, excited for me. After the date, people were anxious to know how it went, and were thrilled to see me happy. It would seem that L wasn't as well-liked as I had thought. I discovered how many people seriously disliked her!
I haven't seen L since she moved out. We conversed via e-mail. She would ask to stop by to pick up some things she had left. I would put the things in a bag and leave them on the back porch: I didn't want to see her. She did e-mail me about some of her bills from when she had moved out -- the electric bill and the cable bill were under her name. I took my time, but eventually covered them. With that, I told her: she is to not contact me or my family ever again. She agreed, but still went to see "42nd Street", knowing full well that my kids and I were in the show. None of us saw her in the audience and she left quickly. I hope to never see her ever again.
I've had my ups and downs this year, and none of it had anything to do with L. On the whole, though, I've had a fabulous year! I didn't just survive this year: I'm actually happy!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Putting an end to my theatre involvement?
I like to keep things open. I do love the stage, but the stage doesn't love me. I realized earlier this year that I just couldn't keep on doing these meaningless bit parts. Sure, I shine for my five minutes on the stage. I command the stage during that time. I bring out the best among those around me. Whatever. I want more.
My last show really demonstrated this for me. This show was two one-acts. The first act was based on "Gift of the Magi". The second act was very loosely based on "Christmas Carol", although I felt as though that was a bit of a stretch. The second act was a minor disaster because they kept having people drop out of a lead role. Finally, the director took on that role, but she was not prepared. That came through with forgotten lines and people getting lost in dialog. As it is, the play lasted ten minutes too long: I was getting very tired. I had problems with the play based on "Gift of the Magi" as well: I just don't "get it". "Magi" is not some heartwarming tale, and adding more characters to it doesn't change that. Sure, everyone hugs at the end, but these dreadfully poor people are stuck having spent considerable money on useless gifts. Did they have a return policy? And what on earth is the theme?
I would wager that everyone that auditioned got a part. I don't know this for certain, but I'm fairly sure that very few people auditioned. That meant that they had a handful of people, and they needed to find places to fit them. Given my dark skin, they figured that I would work best as the Italian soda vendor. Cool . . . except what did that mean for the leads? We had a narrator that kept tripping over his lines and didn't seem to have a sense of vocal inflection (he did get better as the run went on, though). We had a lead man that had a pleasant voice but doesn't seem to understand that that is not the same thing as acting. At times I wanted to grab him and shake him, saying "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE UPSET RIGHT NOW!" And the lead woman that was easily the worst actress I have ever worked with . . . and remember that I have worked with kids! It's "beautiful", not "bee you tee full"!
What did they have in common? Like the rest of the cast, they were white, of course. They had the right look for how someone-or-another imagined the parts. The rest of us might put in our 110%, but these were the leads. When people look back at the show, they will remember, first and foremost, these three. No matter how good I might have been, these three ensured that the show was at best sub-par. What was the point of putting in my 110%? I'll go further: sure, I worked hard and put in a fine job, but that's not going to translate to me getting better parts in the future. My brown skin isn't going away.
My acting teacher remarked that it takes the audience 30 seconds to get over a brown person playing a part meant for a white actor. But few community theatres are willing to give that a try, and they are losing talent as a result. Lord knows, it appears that they have lost me (I'm sure that bothers the local community theatre world to no end). Community theatre is supposed to "work with what they have". No sofa? Get a pile of boxes: that'll work. Need a throne? Get a folding metal chair and put a cloth over it. Community theatre is willing to do that and rationalize that the audience will be fine. But . . . cast a brown person in a role written for a white person? Oh no! We can't do that!
There are times when race is important to the story itself. "Hairspray", for example, deals with racial segregation: sorry, but white people have to play the white people and african americans have to play the african americans. To do otherwise would dilute the theme. But there are very few plays where race is of any importance. There are other plays where race is mentioned. Stan in "Streetcar Named Desire" is of Polish descent. This is important in one three minute exchange, but beyond that doesn't affect the plot at all. An african american Stan? Why not? Cut out those three minutes. There are TONS of plays where a person is white because "that is what they would have been", but it makes no difference to the play. Dysart in "Equus" would probably be white, but who cares if he isn't? In fact, I understand that Charles Dutton played Dysart in an all-African-American version of "Equus". And then there are the plays where it makes no difference at all: Sidney in "Deathtrap" could be any ethnicicity. Insisting on casting white people for these plays is a pure disservice.
As of right now, I have two possibilities still "out there". One theatre company is supposed to do "Farragut North" in the spring. Another theatre company is supposed to do "Macbeth", also in the spring. I have heard nothing about "Farragut North", even though I auditioned back in October. I'm fairly sure I didn't get a part, but I sent off a "say, what happned?" e-mail today. With "Macbeth", the director wants me in the play, but he still has to determine where. If the part isn't challenging to me, I will turn it down.
And that will be my year. I'll audition here and there. When -- not "if", but "when" -- I am offered "guy that comes in in scene 3 and says one line", I will turn it down. Will there be anything remaining? I don't have reason to hope. And that means that I am saying "good bye" to theatre. And I'm sure that will bother the theatre world to no end.
My last show really demonstrated this for me. This show was two one-acts. The first act was based on "Gift of the Magi". The second act was very loosely based on "Christmas Carol", although I felt as though that was a bit of a stretch. The second act was a minor disaster because they kept having people drop out of a lead role. Finally, the director took on that role, but she was not prepared. That came through with forgotten lines and people getting lost in dialog. As it is, the play lasted ten minutes too long: I was getting very tired. I had problems with the play based on "Gift of the Magi" as well: I just don't "get it". "Magi" is not some heartwarming tale, and adding more characters to it doesn't change that. Sure, everyone hugs at the end, but these dreadfully poor people are stuck having spent considerable money on useless gifts. Did they have a return policy? And what on earth is the theme?
I would wager that everyone that auditioned got a part. I don't know this for certain, but I'm fairly sure that very few people auditioned. That meant that they had a handful of people, and they needed to find places to fit them. Given my dark skin, they figured that I would work best as the Italian soda vendor. Cool . . . except what did that mean for the leads? We had a narrator that kept tripping over his lines and didn't seem to have a sense of vocal inflection (he did get better as the run went on, though). We had a lead man that had a pleasant voice but doesn't seem to understand that that is not the same thing as acting. At times I wanted to grab him and shake him, saying "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE UPSET RIGHT NOW!" And the lead woman that was easily the worst actress I have ever worked with . . . and remember that I have worked with kids! It's "beautiful", not "bee you tee full"!
What did they have in common? Like the rest of the cast, they were white, of course. They had the right look for how someone-or-another imagined the parts. The rest of us might put in our 110%, but these were the leads. When people look back at the show, they will remember, first and foremost, these three. No matter how good I might have been, these three ensured that the show was at best sub-par. What was the point of putting in my 110%? I'll go further: sure, I worked hard and put in a fine job, but that's not going to translate to me getting better parts in the future. My brown skin isn't going away.
My acting teacher remarked that it takes the audience 30 seconds to get over a brown person playing a part meant for a white actor. But few community theatres are willing to give that a try, and they are losing talent as a result. Lord knows, it appears that they have lost me (I'm sure that bothers the local community theatre world to no end). Community theatre is supposed to "work with what they have". No sofa? Get a pile of boxes: that'll work. Need a throne? Get a folding metal chair and put a cloth over it. Community theatre is willing to do that and rationalize that the audience will be fine. But . . . cast a brown person in a role written for a white person? Oh no! We can't do that!
There are times when race is important to the story itself. "Hairspray", for example, deals with racial segregation: sorry, but white people have to play the white people and african americans have to play the african americans. To do otherwise would dilute the theme. But there are very few plays where race is of any importance. There are other plays where race is mentioned. Stan in "Streetcar Named Desire" is of Polish descent. This is important in one three minute exchange, but beyond that doesn't affect the plot at all. An african american Stan? Why not? Cut out those three minutes. There are TONS of plays where a person is white because "that is what they would have been", but it makes no difference to the play. Dysart in "Equus" would probably be white, but who cares if he isn't? In fact, I understand that Charles Dutton played Dysart in an all-African-American version of "Equus". And then there are the plays where it makes no difference at all: Sidney in "Deathtrap" could be any ethnicicity. Insisting on casting white people for these plays is a pure disservice.
As of right now, I have two possibilities still "out there". One theatre company is supposed to do "Farragut North" in the spring. Another theatre company is supposed to do "Macbeth", also in the spring. I have heard nothing about "Farragut North", even though I auditioned back in October. I'm fairly sure I didn't get a part, but I sent off a "say, what happned?" e-mail today. With "Macbeth", the director wants me in the play, but he still has to determine where. If the part isn't challenging to me, I will turn it down.
And that will be my year. I'll audition here and there. When -- not "if", but "when" -- I am offered "guy that comes in in scene 3 and says one line", I will turn it down. Will there be anything remaining? I don't have reason to hope. And that means that I am saying "good bye" to theatre. And I'm sure that will bother the theatre world to no end.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
One Year!
The original purpose of this blog was to document how I will get my head and my life together after the breakup with my ex-girlfriend. This breakup became official last year tomorrow!
Last year yesterday (I think) I went to Leah and I said: "Your parents feel that I have been abusive to you, and that justifies their behavior. Do you agree with their belief?" Keep in mind that her parents denied their behavior, but then justified the behavior they were denying by claiming I was abusing Leah. Okay.
She answered "no".
"Well then, the fact is that you have bad-mouthed me to your friends and family until I received a death threat. What are you going to do to fix it?"
Leah avoided saying anything to me for a couple of days, and then finally gave me her solution: she was leaving. I made it clear to her that if she moves back with her parents, I must judge her a danger to me, so she will be completely cut off from my life. I will NEVER allow her back in any capacity. She was okay with that. She had scheduled the move-out date to be a week later, and had decided she would get through that week doing whatever it took to avoid answering the question "why?" The problem was that she tried to justify her behavior by claiming psychological "flare-ups" similar to those that had happened in the past. It was clear, by the end of the week, that she had made this all up in an effort to run down the clock. This made me wonder: did she make up those "flare-ups" in the first place?
And that led to the realization of just what a disgusting creature she had been. I realized that she needed a place to live, and was willing to tell me she loved me and even to sleep with me, just so I would provide that. I realized the patterns in these huge psychological "flare-ups", and how suddenly all the pieces fit in place.
Her message to me was that I should just put up with it. I didn't deserve any better. My relationship with Leah was psychologically abusive, but it was little sweet innocent and vulnerable Leah that was the abuser, not the victim.
After she moved out, on several occasions she would e-mail me. There were some things that were under her name, and needed to be put under mine. There were some old bills that she needed me to pay. She bugged me several times about things she had left in the house. At first, I would gather the things and leave them on the back porch: I didn't want her entering my home, and I never wanted to even see her again. After a point, I told her "Enough": she had been gone for several months, I'm no longer going to go out of my way to find something she had left.
When I finished paying the old bills, I told her: I consider everything "done" between us, and she is to not contact me ever again or come to any of my shows. She appeared to agree, except that she showed up during one of the "42nd Street" performances. I didn't see her in the audience and she appears to have left before we came out to mingle with the audience, so I'm fine with that. She paid full-price for the tickets, after all. I am under the impression that the people in the theatre company made her feel somewhat unwelcome. Much to my surprise, she had done this all by herself: people in this theatre company hated her even before our breakup!
I haven't followed her Facebook statuses, her blogs, or her statuses on other social sights. I don't know if she has followed mine, although one of my friends said she was whining that I was bad-mouthing her on Facebook (my response to my friend: if she receives a death threat from something I had posted about her, she has reason to talk). Once, one of my friends told me that she was complaining that she couldn't contact me at Yom Kippur to make amends, because I had demanded she never contact me again . . . so she took that seriously when dealing with one of her faith's highest commandments, but she ignored it in order to see "42nd Street". Go figure.
I'm happy to report that I've seen no sign of her and I haven't even heard her voice since the move-out. Oddly enough . . . I can't think of a single way that my life hasn't improved with her absense. Some of it makes no sense -- without her income and her cooking, how is it that my finances are in better shape now than they had been when she lived with me? I have been able to rebuild my relationship with my kids, which she badly damaged. I am, further, quite thrilled that I no longer have to be "nice" to the violent snobby obnoxious racist pricks that make up her family. So long to true rubbish!
Last year yesterday (I think) I went to Leah and I said: "Your parents feel that I have been abusive to you, and that justifies their behavior. Do you agree with their belief?" Keep in mind that her parents denied their behavior, but then justified the behavior they were denying by claiming I was abusing Leah. Okay.
She answered "no".
"Well then, the fact is that you have bad-mouthed me to your friends and family until I received a death threat. What are you going to do to fix it?"
Leah avoided saying anything to me for a couple of days, and then finally gave me her solution: she was leaving. I made it clear to her that if she moves back with her parents, I must judge her a danger to me, so she will be completely cut off from my life. I will NEVER allow her back in any capacity. She was okay with that. She had scheduled the move-out date to be a week later, and had decided she would get through that week doing whatever it took to avoid answering the question "why?" The problem was that she tried to justify her behavior by claiming psychological "flare-ups" similar to those that had happened in the past. It was clear, by the end of the week, that she had made this all up in an effort to run down the clock. This made me wonder: did she make up those "flare-ups" in the first place?
And that led to the realization of just what a disgusting creature she had been. I realized that she needed a place to live, and was willing to tell me she loved me and even to sleep with me, just so I would provide that. I realized the patterns in these huge psychological "flare-ups", and how suddenly all the pieces fit in place.
Her message to me was that I should just put up with it. I didn't deserve any better. My relationship with Leah was psychologically abusive, but it was little sweet innocent and vulnerable Leah that was the abuser, not the victim.
After she moved out, on several occasions she would e-mail me. There were some things that were under her name, and needed to be put under mine. There were some old bills that she needed me to pay. She bugged me several times about things she had left in the house. At first, I would gather the things and leave them on the back porch: I didn't want her entering my home, and I never wanted to even see her again. After a point, I told her "Enough": she had been gone for several months, I'm no longer going to go out of my way to find something she had left.
When I finished paying the old bills, I told her: I consider everything "done" between us, and she is to not contact me ever again or come to any of my shows. She appeared to agree, except that she showed up during one of the "42nd Street" performances. I didn't see her in the audience and she appears to have left before we came out to mingle with the audience, so I'm fine with that. She paid full-price for the tickets, after all. I am under the impression that the people in the theatre company made her feel somewhat unwelcome. Much to my surprise, she had done this all by herself: people in this theatre company hated her even before our breakup!
I haven't followed her Facebook statuses, her blogs, or her statuses on other social sights. I don't know if she has followed mine, although one of my friends said she was whining that I was bad-mouthing her on Facebook (my response to my friend: if she receives a death threat from something I had posted about her, she has reason to talk). Once, one of my friends told me that she was complaining that she couldn't contact me at Yom Kippur to make amends, because I had demanded she never contact me again . . . so she took that seriously when dealing with one of her faith's highest commandments, but she ignored it in order to see "42nd Street". Go figure.
I'm happy to report that I've seen no sign of her and I haven't even heard her voice since the move-out. Oddly enough . . . I can't think of a single way that my life hasn't improved with her absense. Some of it makes no sense -- without her income and her cooking, how is it that my finances are in better shape now than they had been when she lived with me? I have been able to rebuild my relationship with my kids, which she badly damaged. I am, further, quite thrilled that I no longer have to be "nice" to the violent snobby obnoxious racist pricks that make up her family. So long to true rubbish!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
My Theatre Company Sh*t List
One of the reasons I know I have no future as a stage actor is the size of my ever-growing list of theatre companies that I won't bother with. I was thinking about an audition I went to recently (the one before "Macbeth"), and I realized two things. First, this was not a race issue, as a nice change of pace. Second, this company really screwed me over during the audition. So, *poof*, they joined this list too, bringing the number up to five!
In my list, only one company is there simply because I never seem to get parts with them. I've auditioned there three times, but I can't point to anything they did "wrong" or "bad". I was very disappointed the last time I auditioned for them: the director seemed very impressed with me, and even remarked as such in her rejection e-mail to me. The problem was that the rejection came a whole 3 1/2 hours after I left the audition. In other words, there was no "he's good . . . is there anyway we can fit him in?" deliberation. In other words, they decided against me the moment I walked through the door.
The other companies . . . well . . .
There was a Shakespeare focused company. The audition started with optional monologues. Most of the people there didn't come with a monologue, which appeared to be fine. We were called up to do small scenes from "As You Like It". Everyone in the room was called more than once . . . except me. I was called up only once. Being called only once meant that they had already decided they didn't want me, but they were still going to go through the motions. A few days later, I received a phonecall giving me the rejection (a rarety), where the woman said it was because I hadn't memorized my monologue and I was reading from a piece of paper. That is a valid complaint, but the monologue was optional and most people didn't do one. And was that experience so horrifying to them that they decided on the spot that they didn't want me? Because the fact that I was called up only once means that they had already decided.
Then, came "Noises Off". When I didn't get a part here, I assumed it was because I sucked. I can live with that. I gave them another try for "Enchanted April". Well . . . there were several women there and only two men, myself included. Two people there remarked that the other man was terrible. His reading was flat, and he didn't seem even aware of what he was reading. I was, according to them, far better than him. He did have one thing in his favor: he is white. So, guess who got the part, and guess who didn't even get a callback. Not only that, consider: they had only one man from the auditions, but they needed four for the play. After turning me away, they went out and recruited to get the other three. So, "even though we don't have enough men and we don't know if we can get enough men, we know we don't want YOU!" Thanks, buddies, but I can take a hint. Sad thing is that I have a friend who sometimes directs for them, but I won't go to one of his auditions. I won't give this group another chance.
Then, "Deathtrap". I arrived early because of a conflict. One other person was going to be auditioning with me. We came in. The director took one look at us -- he hadn't even looked at our acting resumes -- and said he wanted the other person (who, by the way, is white) to read for the lead and he wanted me to read for a bit-part. This play doesn't state that the lead is white and it doesn't affect the play at all if he isn't . . . but that is what the director wanted, and he decided accordingly. Another director said to me that I should have come out and said "hey, I want to read for the lead." But, I felt, why bother? The director already determined he didn't see me at all in that role (remember, it wouldn't have been a big deal to have us both read for the part: he didn't want to even bother to see me read for the part). Maybe I suck, maybe I'm good, but even if I'm good I'm not so good as to get him to change his mind. This group is a very prestigious community theatre in the area, and I won't even give them a second look after that.
Finally, I went to a combined audition for two plays. I was handed sides for "Farragut North", one of the two plays. They said I was too old for one of the two characters, so they wanted me to read for the other character. They gave me time to prepare for that one character. I did. I went in to the audition, and they told me to read for the other character, the one they told me I was too old to play! I went along, but when I think back at that . . . that was really, really scummy! A week later, they asked me if I would be interested in a small non-speaking part in the other play for which they were auditioning. I said "no thank you". I haven't heard anything about "Farragut North", but I fully expect I didn't get a part.
There are three "general" theatre companies that have my interest (by "general", I mean "not a Gilbert & Sullivan group": I've worked with two companies that specialize in G&S, and they've always treated me well). Viviana, Barnstormers, and Hedgerow. These companies have my loyalty. Keep in mind that this isn't based on "getting roles". Viviana gives anyone a part, but note that they did not give me the part I wanted for "42nd Street". I have been in two plays at Barnstormers, but I did get turned away from one (they tried to find a way to fit me, however . . . and in the end, the play never went on) and I will probably be turned away from "Macbeth". Hedgerow? I've only been in two of their shows, and they haven't called me in to be in any others . . . but I've taken a bunch of classes there and I've learned a lot from them. As I shift from being an actor to concentrating on playwriting, these three companies get "dibs" for my work.
My ambition, however, is to write something that everyone really, really wants to do . . . I would like to be approached by the company that turned me away from "Enchanted April" or from "Deathtrap". I want to say to them "sure, you can do my play . . . but I want minorities in the lead . . . I won't approve of this if you have an all-white cast." That's my dream.
In my list, only one company is there simply because I never seem to get parts with them. I've auditioned there three times, but I can't point to anything they did "wrong" or "bad". I was very disappointed the last time I auditioned for them: the director seemed very impressed with me, and even remarked as such in her rejection e-mail to me. The problem was that the rejection came a whole 3 1/2 hours after I left the audition. In other words, there was no "he's good . . . is there anyway we can fit him in?" deliberation. In other words, they decided against me the moment I walked through the door.
The other companies . . . well . . .
There was a Shakespeare focused company. The audition started with optional monologues. Most of the people there didn't come with a monologue, which appeared to be fine. We were called up to do small scenes from "As You Like It". Everyone in the room was called more than once . . . except me. I was called up only once. Being called only once meant that they had already decided they didn't want me, but they were still going to go through the motions. A few days later, I received a phonecall giving me the rejection (a rarety), where the woman said it was because I hadn't memorized my monologue and I was reading from a piece of paper. That is a valid complaint, but the monologue was optional and most people didn't do one. And was that experience so horrifying to them that they decided on the spot that they didn't want me? Because the fact that I was called up only once means that they had already decided.
Then, came "Noises Off". When I didn't get a part here, I assumed it was because I sucked. I can live with that. I gave them another try for "Enchanted April". Well . . . there were several women there and only two men, myself included. Two people there remarked that the other man was terrible. His reading was flat, and he didn't seem even aware of what he was reading. I was, according to them, far better than him. He did have one thing in his favor: he is white. So, guess who got the part, and guess who didn't even get a callback. Not only that, consider: they had only one man from the auditions, but they needed four for the play. After turning me away, they went out and recruited to get the other three. So, "even though we don't have enough men and we don't know if we can get enough men, we know we don't want YOU!" Thanks, buddies, but I can take a hint. Sad thing is that I have a friend who sometimes directs for them, but I won't go to one of his auditions. I won't give this group another chance.
Then, "Deathtrap". I arrived early because of a conflict. One other person was going to be auditioning with me. We came in. The director took one look at us -- he hadn't even looked at our acting resumes -- and said he wanted the other person (who, by the way, is white) to read for the lead and he wanted me to read for a bit-part. This play doesn't state that the lead is white and it doesn't affect the play at all if he isn't . . . but that is what the director wanted, and he decided accordingly. Another director said to me that I should have come out and said "hey, I want to read for the lead." But, I felt, why bother? The director already determined he didn't see me at all in that role (remember, it wouldn't have been a big deal to have us both read for the part: he didn't want to even bother to see me read for the part). Maybe I suck, maybe I'm good, but even if I'm good I'm not so good as to get him to change his mind. This group is a very prestigious community theatre in the area, and I won't even give them a second look after that.
Finally, I went to a combined audition for two plays. I was handed sides for "Farragut North", one of the two plays. They said I was too old for one of the two characters, so they wanted me to read for the other character. They gave me time to prepare for that one character. I did. I went in to the audition, and they told me to read for the other character, the one they told me I was too old to play! I went along, but when I think back at that . . . that was really, really scummy! A week later, they asked me if I would be interested in a small non-speaking part in the other play for which they were auditioning. I said "no thank you". I haven't heard anything about "Farragut North", but I fully expect I didn't get a part.
There are three "general" theatre companies that have my interest (by "general", I mean "not a Gilbert & Sullivan group": I've worked with two companies that specialize in G&S, and they've always treated me well). Viviana, Barnstormers, and Hedgerow. These companies have my loyalty. Keep in mind that this isn't based on "getting roles". Viviana gives anyone a part, but note that they did not give me the part I wanted for "42nd Street". I have been in two plays at Barnstormers, but I did get turned away from one (they tried to find a way to fit me, however . . . and in the end, the play never went on) and I will probably be turned away from "Macbeth". Hedgerow? I've only been in two of their shows, and they haven't called me in to be in any others . . . but I've taken a bunch of classes there and I've learned a lot from them. As I shift from being an actor to concentrating on playwriting, these three companies get "dibs" for my work.
My ambition, however, is to write something that everyone really, really wants to do . . . I would like to be approached by the company that turned me away from "Enchanted April" or from "Deathtrap". I want to say to them "sure, you can do my play . . . but I want minorities in the lead . . . I won't approve of this if you have an all-white cast." That's my dream.
Macbeth Auditions . . . I don't think so
My older son and I auditioned for "Macbeth" last night. I don't know how he did, but this could be a good experience for him. He's been on a Shakespeare kick -- "Henry V" in the summer, "Much Ado" in the fall.
For me, I'm not so hopeful.
Remember that I'm not interested in a bit part. My skills aren't improving, I'm not being challenged and I'm just phoning in my performances. I determined that next year, I will not take any parts where I do not feel I am challenged as an actor. The question isn't simply "am I going to be offered a part". It's "am I going to be offered an interesting part".
So, I went in to "Macbeth" auditions with a monologue prepared from "Richard III". They provided us with sides to do some scenes . . . I was surprised by their choices. One was a monologue spoken by Macbeth. But . . . that's just a speech. One was a comic speech by a porter, who appears in one scene. But that's also just a speech. One was an actual scene between Macbeth and his wife. So, only one scene involving "interaction", and you were either reading for Macbeth or reading for the porter? That seemed a bit minimal.
I went in and did my monologue. If nothing else, I'm probably the loudest person there! They then asked me to read for the porter. "Ugh!" I thought. The porter? I don't want to be the porter! But I did it, and they seemed to like my performance. Then, they said they would call me in later to do the Lady Macbeth scene. I waited, and a few minutes later they said that in interest of saving time (read: in order to get through all the people that had shown up for the audition), they weren't going to call me back in.
I have serious doubts that they will offer me the part of Macbeth if they didn't even hear me read for Macbeth! I think I can safely write off that role. If I am even going to be offered a part, the good news is that I can dig out a script pretty easily and check it. I can determine whether or not it will be a challenge for me, and then respond to the offer accordingly. If they offer me the porter, I'll just say "no". If they don't offer me a part at all . . . well, have fun then.
The last two times I auditioned for Shakespeare, we did several scenes, with different people taking different roles in a given scene. Shakespeare plays have large casts, so there are lots of places to fit people in. For some reason, I wasn't originally offered a part in "Henry V", even though the director of that play liked my work. He called me back in February and asked if I could take the part. I did, which meant I was stuck with a scene spoken entirely in French. For "As You Like It" . . . ugh! This was my first "so bad I won't audition for that group again" experience.
For me, I'm not so hopeful.
Remember that I'm not interested in a bit part. My skills aren't improving, I'm not being challenged and I'm just phoning in my performances. I determined that next year, I will not take any parts where I do not feel I am challenged as an actor. The question isn't simply "am I going to be offered a part". It's "am I going to be offered an interesting part".
So, I went in to "Macbeth" auditions with a monologue prepared from "Richard III". They provided us with sides to do some scenes . . . I was surprised by their choices. One was a monologue spoken by Macbeth. But . . . that's just a speech. One was a comic speech by a porter, who appears in one scene. But that's also just a speech. One was an actual scene between Macbeth and his wife. So, only one scene involving "interaction", and you were either reading for Macbeth or reading for the porter? That seemed a bit minimal.
I went in and did my monologue. If nothing else, I'm probably the loudest person there! They then asked me to read for the porter. "Ugh!" I thought. The porter? I don't want to be the porter! But I did it, and they seemed to like my performance. Then, they said they would call me in later to do the Lady Macbeth scene. I waited, and a few minutes later they said that in interest of saving time (read: in order to get through all the people that had shown up for the audition), they weren't going to call me back in.
I have serious doubts that they will offer me the part of Macbeth if they didn't even hear me read for Macbeth! I think I can safely write off that role. If I am even going to be offered a part, the good news is that I can dig out a script pretty easily and check it. I can determine whether or not it will be a challenge for me, and then respond to the offer accordingly. If they offer me the porter, I'll just say "no". If they don't offer me a part at all . . . well, have fun then.
The last two times I auditioned for Shakespeare, we did several scenes, with different people taking different roles in a given scene. Shakespeare plays have large casts, so there are lots of places to fit people in. For some reason, I wasn't originally offered a part in "Henry V", even though the director of that play liked my work. He called me back in February and asked if I could take the part. I did, which meant I was stuck with a scene spoken entirely in French. For "As You Like It" . . . ugh! This was my first "so bad I won't audition for that group again" experience.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Feeling a bit down about theatre, again.
This fall, I signed up for two acting classes at Hedgerow. One was taught by Tom, and I had taken his classes twice before. The other was taught by Lou, who is an old established actor and playwright. Lou tends to be a bit harsh, and I know that there were times he stopped me in my tracks. That's a good thing, however: he was able to pinpoint a skill I seriously need to work on. Lou's class is over and Tom's class ends next week.
I've been feeling a bit "eh" about the classes this time around. Nothing against the class or the teachers, it's "me". I came into the classes without any "I want to work on this" items. I see other people in the class talking about shows and audition prep, and I have none of that. I feel like I'm just along for the ride.
There's no secret to this all. Back early this year, I was seriously distressed. I realized how small and insignificant were my parts for "Shakespeare in the Trailer Park" and "42nd Street". After a few more rejections, I decided to take a break. I was still committed to do "Henry V" in the August, but beyond that I didn't bother. I did audition for a few places, and it was just rejection after rejection. I did get one part, which was a silly bit-part in a silly Christmas play. I found myself wondering if I had any future in acting at all.
During "Shakespeare" and "42nd Street", I was taking another class at Hedgerow. I decided that it was in acting class where I would get a challenging monologue or scene. Who cares if community theatre never ever came through for me, when I could just take a class at Hedgerow? I went in to the classes this fall with nothing: no dreams of taking my skills to stage, no dreams that I will ever have a place in theatre. This time around, I'm seeing that the class isn't enough. I need a part that I can work on from start to finish (not just a scene picked out somewhere). I need a part that I can think about, a character I can build. And I need to work with a director. Without any of this, my skills aren't improving. I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall with my classes: to get more out of the acting classes, I need to act. And the sorts of parts I have had this year have done nothing to help my acting skills. And I'm not getting any better opportunities.
I love theatre, but theatre doesn't love me. Given my love life (Leah and Joni), this is a pretty common occurance in my life.
I've been feeling a bit "eh" about the classes this time around. Nothing against the class or the teachers, it's "me". I came into the classes without any "I want to work on this" items. I see other people in the class talking about shows and audition prep, and I have none of that. I feel like I'm just along for the ride.
There's no secret to this all. Back early this year, I was seriously distressed. I realized how small and insignificant were my parts for "Shakespeare in the Trailer Park" and "42nd Street". After a few more rejections, I decided to take a break. I was still committed to do "Henry V" in the August, but beyond that I didn't bother. I did audition for a few places, and it was just rejection after rejection. I did get one part, which was a silly bit-part in a silly Christmas play. I found myself wondering if I had any future in acting at all.
During "Shakespeare" and "42nd Street", I was taking another class at Hedgerow. I decided that it was in acting class where I would get a challenging monologue or scene. Who cares if community theatre never ever came through for me, when I could just take a class at Hedgerow? I went in to the classes this fall with nothing: no dreams of taking my skills to stage, no dreams that I will ever have a place in theatre. This time around, I'm seeing that the class isn't enough. I need a part that I can work on from start to finish (not just a scene picked out somewhere). I need a part that I can think about, a character I can build. And I need to work with a director. Without any of this, my skills aren't improving. I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall with my classes: to get more out of the acting classes, I need to act. And the sorts of parts I have had this year have done nothing to help my acting skills. And I'm not getting any better opportunities.
I love theatre, but theatre doesn't love me. Given my love life (Leah and Joni), this is a pretty common occurance in my life.
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